Of course my creative juices are most ripe when I have so much to do. These photos were taken this morning when we woke up, faces washed, messy hair, bare face for me, pajamas all day. My every day consists of making breakfast for Jayden & I, either oatmeal, yogurt + peanut butter, or scrambled eggs for Jayden, sometimes for me: a bagel with vegan butter and oatmeal, or fruit. The rest of the day is just playing, napping, cooking more meals for us to eat throughout the day, chasing him around because he is an expert crawler now. Making sure he doesn’t put anything questionable in his mouth or hitting his head on something. Going for morning or late afternoon walks when the sun is beginning to set. I don’t watch the news as often anymore because a lot of it is too much for me to take in for my life and for my mental well-being.. I’d rather focus on the good things rather than feel a looming sense of doom or hopelessness which I often feel watching the news.
Having an almost one year old makes my heart feel so loved and gooey. I never imagined I would be doing all of this. The days have gotten harder in other aspects of my life. I’ve lost people close to me and feel like my circle of support shrinking, but that’s okay. I have to understand that every one is dealing with this pandemic in their own ways and have their own emotions to deal with; learning more on how to be compassionate even if I feel low. I text my close friends and co-worker friends often. We laugh. We cry. We check on each other. We vent. I’m thankful.
I watch a lot of YouTube or Top Chef reruns. 99% of the YouTube videos I watch are cooking videos and seeing how people eat healthy or eat vegan to inspire me. It is the only sense of solace I engage in: making food and learning how to improve my cooking skills. The days move fast but I try to soak in even the mundane moments with my son. He’ll never be this little again and I already cry looking at his newborn photos. There’s nothing new to say about parenthood that hasn’t been said except that it is both the hardest, most emotionally taxing, but most loving job I’ve ever had.
Keeping my head up even when the days get really, really hard. When my assignments take all of my energy and I can hear Jayden calling for me in the other room. Trying not to feel guilty about going back to school but I will always feel guilty & stressed & just crossing my fingers I just at least finish what I started.
My strength in all of this is always fueled by prayer. It’s clasping my hands and remembering that I was built to endure. It’s 10 Hail Mary’s as a mantra until my breathing feels slower and my mind a little clearer. It’s holding onto the belief that I’ve been through my hardest days and I still made it through.